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December 25, 2008

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KeepDurhamDifferent!

ROSTFREI FAQ

Q: What is ROSTFREI?
A: It's a little slice of Switzerland that you carry wherever you go. Think of it like the swiss army knife of social events -- it's what you make of it.

Q: No really, what is it like?
A: It's like Burning Man, but with less poverty. And more guns.

Q: Who attends this event?
A: Liberals, libertines, and Libertarians, though a few RINOs have been known to sneak in. Most people will have contributed to my recent campaign for NC State Senate, which means they are either hopeless idealists or radicals for capitalism. If you are the kind of person who grows your own food or fuel and lives "off the grid" then you probably should be there.

Q: Doesn't this party usually get shut down by the cops?
A: Yes. It's true that in years past a few "bad apples" have been allowed to ruin the bunch. In 2009 measures are being taken to avoid this.

Q: What kind of measures?
A: We're going to pay off the cops and neighbors, and secure the necessary permits for the closure of upper Norton St. Ladies are requested to remain clothed; sheer clothing is OK, but not exposed nipples (pasties are your friend). There will be absolutely no controlled substances permitted. There will be several police officers present, both as party guests and as hired security. There's usually a lot of lawyers and law students in attendance, so don't do anything stupid.

Q: Can I get married at ROSTFREI?
A: In years past several couples have chosen to tie the knot at this event. A little known fact is that the host (David Rollins) is legally authorised to marry couples in East Baton Rouge and Orleans parishes; permission to marry within Durham County is pending.

Q: What type of food is served at ROSTFREI?
A: Food that you can't get anywhere else. Homemade sausages from southern Louisiana (boudin noir/rouge/blanc) and Switzerland (cervelat). Boiled crawfish. Fried turkey and smoked beef ribs. Bacon-wrapped quail and doves that were harvested (shot) by MrCheap himself. Condiments from around the globe. Zapp's potato chips. Cracklins made onsite. Blackstrap molasses. Oven roasted turducken.

Q: Who's paying for all this?
A: The Mystic Krewe of OMM, which is a secret society formed to raise money for charitable causes. This year's beneficiary is Bayou Rescue, a 501c(3) organisation (http://www.bayourescue.org). Donations are gratefully accepted and are tax-deductible; the suggested amount is five dollars per plate of food. Beer is free.

Q: What's the deal with the floats?
A: There will be a truck parade at 2pm on Saturday, along with a New Orleans style "second line" jazz funeral for the Bush administration. King Fish will preside over the procession, accompanied by the court of Queen Fish and her maids in waiting. Throws this year will include fried chicken, silver coconuts, gold doubloons, afro picks, and toy guns. The parade route is yet to be announced.

Q: Will there be debutantes?
A: Yes. Several young ladies will make their debut this season.

Q: How do I join the Krewe of OMM?
A: The Mystic Krewe of Olde Money Millionaires welcomes membership inquiries via email at marktomarket@hushmail.com. You don't have to be rich, merely act like it. Among other things, this means that you have a stovepipe hat, a monocle, cigarette holder, some sort of bejeweled walking stick, and your own tuxedo.

Q: If this is a Mardi Gras party, why isn't it being held on Fat Tuesday?
A: The Carnival season starts on January 6th and lasts until Ash Wednesday; many krewes choose to have parties during this time as a prelude to Fat Tuesday proper. Herr Rollins belongs to the Zulu Social Aid and Pleasure Club, which rides in blackface on Fat Tuesday at 6am -- New Orleans is a long drive from Durham. The 23rd of January is also Mr. Rollins's birthday; he will be 40 this year, but requests that no gifts be given.

Q: What about parking?
A: The Cole-Couch House is at 911 West Club Boulevard, but is unmarked from the street. From the corner of Norton (formerly Cole St.), face south and look for the monster truck on your left. Enter through the rear. Overflow parking is across Club Blvd. to the east of TK Tripps.

Q: Do I really have to wear a costume?
A: Not if you wear black tie. If you are not in formal dress and you arrive without a costume, you are subject to being slathered with the condiment of your choice. Think how embarrasing it will be to have Zatarain's Creole Mustard on your forearm rubbing up against a woman in a formal gown; then again, this might be your idea of fun.

Q: Can I bring my kids and/or dogs?
A: Yes.

Q: What if I have too much to drink?
A: Ask to spend the night. In North Carolina you may not carry a concealed pistol if you have any alcohol in your system, so remember to put your guns on the dashboard or in plain sight. You may also leave them locked in the gun safe for retrieval at a later date.

Q: What should I do if and when the cops arrive?
A: Refuse them entry without a warrant. Notify Mr. Rollins, and disperse as quickly and as quietly as possible. The host is usually heavily armed and will not hesitate to release the hounds if things go astray.

Q: Who do I sue if things go horribly wrong?
A: Mr. Rollins is represented by William J. Cotter (one of the Duke Lacrosse lawyers) and is married to a securities litigator on the faculty of the Duke School of Law. Give it your best shot.

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